Writing Experiment: Scene 1

Here's the first scene. It's a long time coming, but I hope you enjoy it. I'm not happy with the way it ended, but it managed to add a nice new element to play with in the story. Hopefully w/ some revision it can be fleshed out into a better scene.

***


``I give up.'' Cat dropped her head into her arms, resting on the
heavy wooden desk. She pressed her forehead against the smooth vaneer
finish, blocking out the flickering light with her arms. ``I just
can't do it.'' She felt the warm pressure of a hand on her shoulder.

``You'll get it Cat, just focus. Use your frustration. Fire feeds on
emotion.'' She turned and looked up into the starling blue eyes of her
cousin. ``Just take a few deep breaths.''

``Easy for you to say. You're a natural.'' He sat down beside her, and
pushed a book across the table. ``Another book? Do you really think
this'll help?''

``Come on Cat! It took me months to track down that book. The
Alethenian Codex were supposed to have been destroyed. Do me a favor,
just try it.''

She ran her hand along the worn leather cover, inhaling the musty old
book. She dropped the book as a fit of sneezing came over her. ``Damn
books. One of these days, you'll be the death of me Michael.''

She gently opened the book, squinting to read the careful writing
inside. As she worked her way through the writing, her head swam with
images. The mages described in this book were not just
elementalists. They talked of drawing higher magics, bending other
parts of the known world to their will.

She read more carefully until she saw something that made her blood
run cold. ``Michael? Are you sure this is a good idea?'' Her hand was
shaking as she slid the book over to him. ``The codex were destoryed
for a reason. We've stumbled across something dangerous.''

His lips moved as he read the passage. Cat closed her eyes and tried
to push the images into the back of her mind. Such callous disregard
for human life was abhorant. ``They really think this worked?''
Michael's voice was a harsh whisper. He slipped the book back towards
her. ``It's still one of the most complete treatises on magic that
ever existed. If half of what they write is true, it might still be
helpful.''

She sat back up in the chair, taking deep breaths that filled up her
stomach. She pushed the breath deep inside her, feeling the power stir
inside her. A spark warmed her belly, and she blew it out into her
hand.

``Oh please, you call that a fire? Even a mundie can do better. Maybe I
should bring one of them in here.'' The spark faltered and she dropped
it. A book slammed shut behind her, casting a plume of dust into the
air. The small candles flickered, casting pale shadows along the book
on the table.

``What are you doing here? Don't you have some children to steal or
something?'' She bit down on the venom in her mouth, closing her
eyes. ``Get out of here Sam, I'm trying to work.''

``Sitting there all day with your nose in a book isn't going to
help.'' He waved his hand, pulling shadows down over the book in front
of her. ``You can't learn magic from books, no matter what Michael
says.'' He smirked, and got to his feet. ``You two enjoy
yourselves.'' He flipped a match onto the table in front of
Cat. ``Maybe you can use that to finally start a fire.''

Before she could blink, Michael was out of his chair and punched Sam
squarely in the jaw. Sam touched his fingers to his busted lip. ``You
actually hit me? A lord of the council assulted me. Well the council
will love to hear about this.''

``You leave her alone,'' Michael growled. ``The Princess has more pull
than you'll ever have.'' He punched Sam again.

Cat stood up as a third punch landed. ``Stop it, both of you.'' She
took a few more steps and felt a wave of power pass over her. She took
a few deep breaths to steady herself. ``Michael, stop. Just let him
go. Sam, it's time for you to leave.''

``Aww Princess, we were just starting to have fun. Can't stop until
someone looses an eye, right?'' He winced from the pain as he
grinned. ``Can't stop till then.''

``Leave! Now.'' Anger swelled in her as she pointed at the door. Power
flooded from her, leaving her weak at the knees. A burst of flame
lanced across the room and struck the door in a shower of
sparks. Michael just barely managed to pull Sam aside as the door
burst into flames. His face was pale and his nose, lips, and ears were
oozing dark red blood. He scrambled to his feet and ran through the
door.

Cat stared in horror as Michael started calling water. He doused the
flames, and sat down next to her. ``Well, I guess now we know. Blood
magic exists after all.''

Writing Experiment: Scenes and Sequels, part 2

In which I actually start replotting. So let's do this thing. First step, let's take each element of the outline, and contemplate how much it's needed, and whether it's better portrayed as a scene or sequel.

Original Plot

1. Learning to cast magic  - So this scene is important in that it sets the stage for the magic being used in the story. Now the magic here is slightly different than in the novels, in that it's more limited. There's only the elements, and not the other aspects (forthcoming in another post). Drama-wise, this scene was low. It only seeks to frame the magic, and introduce some of the characters. Probably worth finding a higher-stakes method of showing this.
2. Sam and Cat, disagreement in the Alley - This scene was serving to introduce some tension between Cat and Sam, and frame the underlying hatred of the war. The two scenes can probably be combined, amping up the tension a little
3. Mundane minister poison's Cat's mom - Taking the mom out of the picture is what starts the tension between Michael and Cat, and what is going on with the war. This scene needs to happen.
4. Funeral, Cat follows Sam to a Sim parlor - This is more sequel-y than scene. Low tension, and is supposed to act as more of an emotional reaction to teh death. Sam might be removed here, but it was seeding his treachery for later. 
5. Michael and Cat fight over whether or not to go to war - Michael wants to go to war, he's upset over Cat's mom's death. Cat is still looking for another way, but she's no idea what it is. This is definitely a scene, and ends with her being banished.
6. Cat fights with Finn on the streets - The purpose here was to seed the argument between them, because this leads to Finn selling her out to the mundanes. It also served to introduce the streets, and show how she's been living. Most of the info can be given in more of a sequel, opening into a scene involving Finn.
7. Cat is attacked, sold out by Finn. Michael rescues her - The original plan for this scene was for it to be a big tipping point. She gets sucked into the war, whether she wants to or not. She had given up her crown, abandoned her home, and yet the war still came to her. A climax of sorts. The current iteration doesn't come across as good, it's very low on tension. Combining it with the fight with Finn might help. 
8. Michael convinces Cat to lead an attack - Again, this was a very weak scene. There's very little tension, and a confusing change of location. This might be better served as a Sequel to the previous scene.
9. Adrielle visits, offers living metal - This is a turning point in the story, even though it's not the climax. Up to this point, we had been following hte normal course of the war, and though it's not clear, the mundanes are winning. Cat's efforts to stay out of the war is compounding problems, and the war might have ended soon, had it run it's course. Adrielle shows up, straight from the events of the 2nd novel, and starts mucking about. She gives Cat the living metal, effectively turning the tide of the war. 
10. Attack - The scene is confusing, so ti was kinda hard to follow who was killing whom. Cat is trying out the living metal, because Adrielle demands a high price.
11. Cat visits Adrielle, makes the deal - Probably the last sequel  / scene. Cat agrees to take the living metal, despite the high price: Burning down the city she grew up in. 
12. Cat burns down the city - In the original story, this was the opening scene, and the rest of the story was supposed to be structured as a flashback. Nobody got it. Everyone said that it was a different person in teh beginning than the rest of the story. That being said, I love the imagery here, and the scene itself is structured fairly.

Reworking the Scenes

 Alright, so I fail at killing my darlings. I didn't want to get rid of any of them. So let's see what we can come up with for scenes.

1. Scene - Let's rework the learning magic, and try and introduce Sam
1. Goal - Cast a spell, pretty simple goal
2. Conflict - Can't seem to get in the right frame of mind. Fire takes passion, anger, fear. Sam tries to distract her, smack talking the mundane peoples. It set's her off.
3. Setback - Manages to cast, but burns down the table. 
2. Sequel - Walking through the city. Still want to show the city operating.
1. Emotional Reaction - Angry at Sam for pissing her off
2. Logic - Something in the anger allowed her to cast.
3. Anticipation - Needs to learn to control the magic, owise bad stuff will happen
4. Choice - Goes to meet Michael
3.  Scene - Argument between Minister and Cat's mom
1. Goal - Talk to mom about magic
2. Conflict - Mom's in an argument w/ the minister
3. Setback - Guy storms out, mom collapses
4. Sequel - Funeral
1. Emotional Reaction - Sad / Angry, maybe 5 stages of loss?
2. Logic - War causes death, there must be a better way
3. Anticipation - Death is needless, going to war wont help anything
4. Choice - Confront the council, tell them war is bunk
5. Scene - Michael and Cat fight about the war (w/ Council there)
1. Goal - Talk the council into not going to war
2. Conflict - Michael is opposing her, pushing for the war
3. Setback - Council decides to go to war, and decides Cat is unfit ; She's banished
6. Sequel - Cat is dropped off on another planet, learns to fend for herself: Montage!
1. Emotional Reaction - Disappointed...and a little Angry. She's angry a lot...hmm
2. Logic - On the streets, needs to figure out how to survive
3. Anticipation - Getting hungry, surrounded by destruction
4. Choice - Needs to make friends on the street
7. Scene - Fight with Finn, attacked by Platoon
1. Goal - Food, territory, etc.
2. Conflict - Finn wants teh food too, convinces Soldiers to attack
3. Setback - Food gets blown up, has to abandon her stash
8. Sequel - Fallout of the fight
1. Emotional Reaction - Scared, cold, alone
2. Logic - War has nothing on this
3. Anticipation - Things were better at home, and all the anger has helped her gain control of her magics
4. Choice - Needs a way back in the fold
9. Scene - Adrielle visits
1. Goal - Looking for a way to get back to the council
2. Conflict - Adrielle tries to talk her into taking hte knife instead
3. Setback  - Can't get back to the council, but has the knife
10. Scene - Attacked by Sam
1. Goal - Survive attack
2. Conflict - Sam has tracked her down, attacks her
3. Setback - Kills Sam, Michael saves her from the rest
11. Sequel - Agrees to help Adrielle
1. Emotional Reaction - Relieved, 
2. Logic - Discusses witht he council, can turn the war in their favor
3. Anticipation - Presents the weapon
4. Choice - Agrees to the terms, Burns down the city

Conclusions

I trimmed it down a bit, and restructured. Moving the rescue till after the encounter with Adrielle changes that balance of power a little, but makes the plot flow better. It removes some of the most confusing scenes: The confrontation on teh ship where Michael convinces Cat to come back, and the attack on the generator where she confronts Sam. It'll also let me stretch out her time on the streets, which was the feedback I got from the instructor of the fiction-writing course.